Random Thoughts 3

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Have you ever felt yourself fighting against the odds? Like circumstances are just not working in your favor? Trying to grow in a stagnant society, holding on to a dying bond. It makes you believe some things are doomed to die even before they properly begin. But you stubbornly hold on refusing to give up. Sometimes it works, other times…. not quite.

Or just trying to rise above average. Fighting mediocrity. Like when you know you could do better and you really want that better. Badly. Like when you’re sitting in a class and you look around and everyone else lacks that motivation that drives you. You see yourself in a higher place, doing greater things. Ambition. Drive.

Just like sometimes you get the feeling you don’t belong somewhere. Like when you listen to Alessia Cara’s “Here” and you completely relate. Kinda like when you’re stuck in a room full of teenagers on a marijuana induced high and you look around and inwardly shake your head. Not because you think they’re wrong, but because you think you possess a deeper sense of understanding than they do. You see what they don’t. Some kind of standoffish superiority. It’s not pride exactly, more like self respect.

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Or you wonder how people can strive to find where they belong and sometimes you just crash into it. Like the wonder of it all. We all had different ideas of what we wanted to do with our lives when we were much younger. Clear cut dreams and roads that would lead to wealth and stability. But with time and with each hurdle we begin to struggle until finally it just comes and hits you. This is what you should be doing. This is what you want to do, yet all this time you never even thought of it ,you know. It’s a beautiful thing. Some call it fate, others just plain old blind luck.

I’ve always been basically awed by Lagos conductors. Not their craze ways oo,but the pure genius of their minds. They know who got on where and who is getting off where, they adjust the fare appropriately so you could pay #200 to go from Yaba to Ketu but #150 from Fadeyi…. and he knows where you got on remember so don’t try to act too smart. They calculate change with the speed of a scientific calculator and propose alternatives that could put an accounting student to shame. Like when you give him a 500 naira note and he says take 50 and bring 200…and you gotta be like pause… now back up a sec. These people are just amazing.

And sometimes you have to struggle not to be offended by people. Like when they make an offensive comment and you have to pretend to be cool with it, because that’s the cool thing to do. Like when someone calls you a “thing”. Its insulting really, but not enough to get mad over. So you let it slide and fix the blank look you’ve mastered on your face. A poker face.

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And those times you piss a person off and then have to apologize. But something keeps getting in the way and you just can’t say the words. Like a ball of hot yam stuck in your throat. It burns but you can’t get it out..or in. Could be you were trying to be helpful so you don’t feel entirely guilty for what went wrong. So something in your system won’t let you apologize for being right. But other times it’s just the stubborn words that refuse to come out. Or the stubborn you that just won’t let them.

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